I've been dreading meeting the month of December. It is after all, the very same month, a year ago where I was facing the most difficult ordeal in my life and losing a loved one. And I thought that was the only thing I dreaded facing. But no.

Suddenly everything comes to me like this, hitting me rock bottom. And suddenly I feel like where's that little inspiration and motivation I had in moving on?

The past few days, my head has been filled with so many thoughts, so many worries, and my heart is filled with constant pain and heartache so much that the pain is felt so literally and real I can't take it. This is where real stress takes on me. To say I'm depressed? Well I hate that word.

I couldn't bring myself to eat. I didn't eat at all the day before yesterday. Thought of eating made me wanted to puke. But of course I'm in my right state of mind. So I ate something the next day. I made myself eat. Although afterwards I felt so nauseated I could puke all over the floor. Then there's my headaches. Sharp sharp headaches.

I haven't forgotten God. I haven't stopped having Faith. I haven't stopped. I am still who I am. But I'm so stressed up at this moment I really really feel like I've died inside. The me inside..is not alive.

This is my life. This is how it has been all my life. But at this point in time, it's so painful I can't deal with it. I wonder how long I will feel this way. Its killing me inside. This feeling...I don't think anyone will ever understand, unless they've sit in in most parts of my life. It's even difficult to explain. There's no starting in explanation..nowhere to end either.

All I can do is swallow my pain. I'm so broken inside. I'm not saying this to sound so emo or so asking-for-sympathy. I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want anything but just, something that will light up my life. Just one thing. I'm not asking for much.

If you're going to ask me to talk about it. I can't. It hurts to say it out, I'm afraid I will just be even more depressed. I seem to have drifted from my family members. I didn't mean to..it just happened and I realised how awkward things are at home at times. 

I don't want to be the next one...I don't want to be the next one to have to receive help in the form of therapy or pills. I don't ever want to be in that position. If I'm going down? I'm going down on my own. I will go all the way down. There's no such thing as halfway through in this case. Either you're there, or not.

Perhaps. This will affect only me inside. Perhaps, I can contain it just in me..and that I can still smile and laugh like how I usually can. We'll see. We'll see how this goes.

But really, Quiet is my loudest Cry.

Seems that I've left my journal stagnant since the start of semester. Just didn't have the inspiration to write..either that, or I'm just too occupied with other things.

Right now, well..I've decided to journal at this time because I'm taking a short break. Been sneezing away from all the packing..plus I feel so sick at the stomach now I wish I could puke but then I can't bring it out.

I can't believe we're moving this weekend. It's all happening so fast! I need sometime to catch up on things. Sigh..

I look fine? All smiley and laughable....but it's so darn stressful for me now. I wish people could understand my situation now. But I guess no one really cares much about the lives of others. It doesn't matter. Oh well..

I'm in between arguments, in between disagreements, puzzled at my brother's lead sometimes...just don't understand him at times and I think he doesn't get me at all. Don't know if he ever considered my feelings..or really consider anyone's.
He makes it somewhat stressful for me and the others too.

See I can go on a rant here. I thought of doing that just to let out some steam...but then now I'm too tired. Gotta get back to packing. I'm having a major headache right now..so literal I think my head can explode. Sigh..stressful.